Worship (Part 3)

Although my understanding of worship continued to evolve and mature, the basic function of my heart remained the same. I was the same self-seeking slob...

I had stopped chasing an experience. I was learning to content myself with God as He chose to reveal himself to me. But something was still way off. My heart still wanted to get something... to earn something... and worship was just becoming a new way to accomplish this. One more work. One more merit badge on my vest of self-righteousness. One more way to get something from the God who was, Himself, quickly becoming the means to something I wanted: my salvation, joy, self-image, happy life. He was the means to all the things my heart really desired... not an end in Himself. I was serving God for His gifts, not for Him. It took the loving and jarring truth of the gospel to set me free from the self-righteous, self-seeking ideology that held my heart captive.

See, for the longest time in my walk I understood the gospel cognitively, but it had never truly invaded my heart and soul in the way it was about to...

It started with a few gracious questions the Holy Spirit led me to ask myself as I studied. If I was walking with God, why was I so unhappy? Why was worship so exhausting? Where was this "rest" the Scriptures promised? Where was the joy? I was looking to God for these things He had promised and I wasn't getting them! It seemed like the more I tried to honor Him and remove my heart's false hope from other things... the more I tried to make Him the center... the more exhausted I was becoming. I was irritable. I was unhappy! I was getting burned out! There had to be something wrong!

I thank God for graciously leading me to the end... the end of my works-based theology (that wasn't working)... the end of my trying to either impress or manipulate God into giving me what I wanted... the end of myself.

I wandered into a church-planter's meeting a year or so into planting Anchor Gaslamp in Downtown San Diego. I was tired. Dead-tired. Ministry wasn't fulfilling me like I thought it would. I needed new ideas. I needed to be pumped up and inspired. I needed a better model for planting churches. Looking back I think God had different ideas...

The speaker got up and began preaching about the cross... at first all I felt was frustration. This was not what I had signed up for. Didn't he know this was a church-planter's conference and that we all knew the gospel! But as I listened, the frustration quickly gave way to interest, then godly-sorrow, then repentance as I heard the gospel in a whole new way! It wasn't a different gospel than the one I had grown up with, but this time it spoke to me at a different level... to my heart... and it challenged me to examine all of my life, not just my eternal destination, in light of the gospel!

As He began to talk about God's holiness, comparing it to our brokenness and self-centeredness, I felt like God was holding up a mirror that showed me the cancerous core of evil and destructive ways within my own heart. As I saw myself in light of a holy and gracious God, I shriveled back in vehement disgust of my own condition! I knew I was broken before that day, but I had never really taken the time to examine my own sinfulness... My fragile sense of self-worth could not have handled it because my sense of self-worth was built on my accomplishments (which is why I had chosen the path of ministry in the first place). I had always known that I was not perfect, but I would rationalize it: "We are all imperfect, so that's alright... no need to dwell on it. God forgives us all because of Christ... he has to, so now let's move on to important stuff like mission and evangelism!"

I guess that's what I had done my whole life... I had just kept moving on immediately after sin. I had never stopped and taken an inventory of my heart. Not only was there a lot of wicked desires in there, but even the good things were tainted by the bad... I had never realized that I could be trying to do all the right things for all the wrong reasons. I could be worshipping and ministering and pastoring out of sinful motivations (like the older brother in the story of the prodigal son, who wants all the things the Father gives without the Father himself... the older brother who performs his but off trying to earn everything the Father has without realizing that the Father has given it to him already...) My heart was broken! The more holy and pure I realized God was, the more wicked I saw myself. That was the bad news!

Then the good news came flooding in and overwhelmed my heart. He cared about the sin, but He cared about me more... enough to make a way out of the mess I had found myself in... It's interesting that the worse the bad news is, the better the good news is. The bigger and wider and more impossible the gap between my sinfulness and God's holiness, the more amazing grace becomes.

I realized that before this moment the gospel was always "ok news;" but when I took the time to realize how broken I truly was without God, and how impossible all of my situations were, I realized what marvelous news the gospel was!

Grace became more and more amazing! Worship began pouring out of my soul, not as some way to get things from God, but as the natural result of a soul that deserves nothing, but has ALREADY been given everything from God! I deserved death, but I was breathing and eating drinking deeply from life! I deserved eternal sorrow, but I was laughing and singing and dancing! I deserved to be cut-off, but I was surrounded by people that loved me! I deserved hell, both in this life and the next, but I was already beginning to taste the sweetness of heaven here and now... the sweetness of my future eternal reward... A reward I didn't earn or deserve, but one that was earned and secured for me by Christ!

Like I said, worship flowed from my heart!

I was overwhelmed by the goodness and undenyable grace of God.

I realized that I had been given everything I needed through Christ and His sinless life, His efficacious death on the cross, and His empowering resurrection!

The Gospel changed my heart... it transformed the heart of worship forever!

When I came to a church gathering and sang praise, joining in with a host of voices in corporate worship, it took on a new meaning... a new life. I wasn't trying to gain special favors or experiences or strategically find my way into new dimensions... I wasn't trying to find formulas to get into God's presence or make things happen. Worship was not the means to anything... it was an end in itself. God was not a means to anything anymore... He was an end in Himself. I had already been given everything. If I never had a new word or fresh revelation from God, He had already spoken and given me His Word. If I never saw a healing, He had already healed me ultimately... If I never felt His presence, those moments I had already experienced in His presence were enough already! What grace He had already given me that I should even be called His child... That He would EVER move on my heart and draw me to Him.

Now don't get me wrong... I am persuaded that God still heals and speaks and draws us into moments of rapture in His presence! The Holy Spirit still opens up our hearts to receive the deep mysteries of His Word! BUT I am content... more than content, I am satisfied with the gospel and what God has already revealed to me and done for me. Worship is continually flowing from this heart to God throughout the day (in decisions and relationships and conversations) and in special times of corporate worship in songs and expressions and shouts of praise.

Of course I have not perfected this...

If I worshipped perfectly:

I would never sin...

I would pray without ceasing...

I would truly believe in my heart (not just comprehend in my mind) that everything I need is in Him...

My heart would find its full identity in Him...

Other people's words would not affect me...

I would rest from my spiritual works...

Anxiety and fear would be strange feelings from a past life...

Instense love is the only lens through which I would see anyone (even bad drivers)...

My life would be a perpetual mission...

My relationships and actions and words would be soaked in the gospel...

In short, I would be like Christ...

And there is coming a day where "...we shall be like Him for we shall see Him as He is..."

In that day, Christ will be the only target of our worship and hope and trust...

In that day, we will experience the fulfillment of our humanity...

In that day, we will be true worshippers.

But until then, let's realize that we are all worshippers, we just fall short in 'where' we aim our hope...

And let's make God the center of our lives...

And let's not pursue God for His gifts...

And let's not use worship as some sort of sick gift to ourselves...

Let's avoid the "raindance mentality" and let God be God, without trying to manipulate Him...

Let's stand before the cross in awe and let worship flow from our ever-expanding belief in His gospel and our ever-widening appreciation of His grace...

Let's realize who we are in this thing, and see God as He truly is...

And let's become more like Him as we focus our hope and attention more and more upon Him...

Let's become true worshippers, who worship the Father in spirit and truth...